


Unexplainable

by SophiexHorayne



Category: Ackley Bridge (TV)
Genre: Angst, But like from Cory's POV, Character study (pretty much), Cory's a soft confused boi, I love Cory so bad, M/M, Most Of It Is Canon, but there's a lil bit of original stuff, episode 10, that's basically it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 10:11:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15661116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiexHorayne/pseuds/SophiexHorayne
Summary: "It's all burning, burning, burning, through everything Cory's ever known. And it's explosive."Aka Episode 10, but Cory centric.





	Unexplainable

 

After Naveed throws up into the Booth’s bin at Hayley’s sixteenth, Cory sort of feels a personal responsibility to make sure he gets home safe. With his arm wrapped securely around Naveed’s waist as he staggers out the house, rubbing Naveed’s clammy back comfortingly, watching him wipe his mouth. He’s not seen Naveed like this, so out of it, so reliant on him- leaning against him just so he is able to stand. It makes him feel sort of important, special, like the kiss he tries so hard not to think about but always ends up dwelling upon in his mind.

So when Riz is looking hesitant, like he doesn’t want to leave yet, Cory tells him he’ll take Naveed home and Riz needn’t worry. He gets Naveed to drink some water, tries to sober him up. He can’t stop watching him. Perhaps it’s because Naveed being so drunk is sort of amusing, funny. And of course, Naveed is always funny but it’s different, like this. And the way he leans on Cory’s shoulder, body warm and close against him. It makes his heart sort of swell. He doesn’t really understand it.

Naveed can walk and stand on his own by the time they leave Hayley’s. They saunter up the road. Cory watches him. He looks miserable. Defeated. Cory realises that maybe there was a reason for him getting wasted like that. Because really, it’s not like Naveed.

“What is it?” Cory asks softly. He feels sort of nervous. He can’t really explain why. But he gets that a lot with Naveed. It’s like the silence between them is fragile and sacred. And he doesn’t know how he feels, breaking it.

“I’m gay.” Naveed says, scratching the back of his head.

Cory retrains from rolling his eyes. He _knows_ that. It became pretty obvious when Naveed kissed him in the locker room. He should stop thinking about that.

“My parents found out.”

It’s like Cory doesn’t really understand the problem. It should be better if people know, right? If Naveed can stop living a lie. If he can be himself.

“So?” He asks. Glancing at Naveed makes his heart falter. Like the music coming to an abrupt pause and the party’s frozen. The world sort of stops every time he looks at Naveed. It’s weird. And different. A friendship like this; so all-consuming and so perfect and so _real_.

“I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.”

There’s something in the words. Something so earnest and true and desperate woven beneath them. It makes Naveed _sound_ scared. Vulnerable. It makes Cory stop in his tracks. He looks at Naveed. His wonderful, funny, perfect best friend. With his soft smile and crinkles by his eyes that are wrongfully absent from his face right now. He just wants to hold him, wrap him in his arms and never let go. But it seems silly, terribly intimate so he doesn’t. He just taps him lightly on the arm.

“I thought it’s what I wanted.” Naveed continues. His voice is quivering. Cory can feel his chest constrict. Naveed standing there, broken and shaking, spilling his heart out to him. “Now it’s- it’s changed everything. Y’know, once it was out I thought it would be alright but, but I’m more scared now than I was before.”

Cory watches him as he speaks. It’s always impossible to not watch Naveed. But it’s different now. It’s like if he doesn’t look at him for one moment, he may fall apart right there in front of him. He’s almost bent over, closed in on himself as though he is hiding. Like he is scared of Cory too. Cory almost can’t take it.

“At least it’s out now.” He points out. He’s trying to make him feel better, but he isn’t sure how to do that. And Naveed keeps edging closer to him and it makes it impossible to think. Impossible to breathe. He can feel his breath hitch.

“But you don’t get it.” Naveed says, the words all up in Cory’s face. “I felt safe behind the lies. Pretending I was no one. Pretending I’d get married. Pretending that- pretend it was alright. But now, I’m sick of it. I can’t do it anymore.”

He’s crying. Cory can’t breathe. He can feel a lump in his throat. Like he is going to cry too. And he might. Because this- Naveed, hurting and curling in on himself- it makes him hurt like nothing ever has before. Like there’s an ache in his chest for Naveed and he just wants to make him feel okay again.

“You’ve got friends.” Cory points out. But then he’s only thinking of Riz, and the other lads, and maybe Nasreen. Naveed doesn’t feel like just his friend. He feels like his everything. He feels like a common ground. A safety valve. Naveed- sometimes Naveed feels like the only thing Cory can all home. The only stable thing in his life. He can’t explain it. “You’ve got me.” He swallows.

Naveed looks at him, lips quivering. Cory can’t help but look at them.

“But my mum said I was disgusting.” He says, with a small nod.

There’s a pang in Cory’s chest. A knot of pain in his stomach. It feels like he’s dropped all of a sudden from a cliff edge. A feeling that leaves him empty and sad. He can’t let Naveed stand there. Shaking. Crying. He can’t just let him look so alone. So lost. He pulls Naveed against him. He almost stumbles at the force but he doesn’t. He wraps arms around him, holds him tightly, _so_ tightly, like Naveed may just disappear altogether if he doesn’t.

He’s scared for him. Turns his head so it buries into the collar of Naveed’s school shirt. He doesn’t realise he’s kissing his neck until his lips are pressed there, lingering. Like it means something. He’s never meant anything more than he does in this moment. Clutching Naveed like this, in the alleyway across from the party. Pressing lips against his clothes like it will help ease the pain.

He doesn’t care about the party. The people there. The eyes that could cast over in their direction. He doesn’t care, doesn’t even think about it. All that matters is Naveed, crying into his shoulder, his tears on his hoodie. Cory’s hand fumbles on his head, touching Naveed’s hair and then his neck and settling there. And that’s all that matters. It’s all he can think of. Naveed here. His presence. His chest against his, trembling a little. It doesn’t really make sense. But he would drop everything for him. He thinks, in that moment. That he’ll do anything to keep him happy because Naveed, and Naveed’s happiness, is all that truly matters. In that moment. In that moment the only thing in the world is Naveed.

 

His chest feels heavy, when he’s pulled away from the hug. He’s never felt like this before with anyone. Never felt something so ever present in his heart, his stomach, the scratch in his throat that makes him want to cry just because Naveed is sad. It’s all knew and scary and pulling away sort of snaps him back into reality. Like he was miles away where no one could touch him, and he’s just landed back onto earth. Where the party is going on a few metres away. Where there are people. Friends. Real stuff.

He doesn’t realise he’s cried too until he wipes his eyes. And he forces a cheeky smile at Naveed who wipes his own eyes too, finds it in him to return the smile.

“You’ve always got me.” Cory says. Truthfully. He’s sure he’s never meant something so much. So truly. Naveed makes him want to say all these things he’s never thought he’d ever say. He makes him feel like he has never felt around anyone. “Okay? Always.”

Even though they aren’t hugging they’re still so close. And Naveed’s face is right by his. Like in the locker rooms. He wonders if they’re going to kiss again. He wonders why he feels like he _wants_ them to kiss again. Screaming across the road reminds him of the party. The people. From School. He jerks away from Naveed and forces another smile.

“Come on.” He says. It’s half a whisper. His voice feels scratchy. He starts walking and just hopes Naveed is following.

 

He’s sort of lost in his mind, when he finally looks back at Naveed, treading slowly beside him. He’s not really thinking. It’s just sort of fuzz in his head. A sort of haze. Naveed clears it. Just one glance at him. It steadies him more than anyone ever has before. Centres him. Takes him from the world so loud and wild and into a bubble, safe, special. Like he’s someone to someone else. Like he’s important. It’s all new. He looks away.

They’re close, as they walk. Arms bumping occasionally. Shoulders nudging shoulders. The silence is calm around them. Sort of comfortable but there’s sort of an ache, a yearn, to break it. A will to push boundaries, break the rules. Naveed lets out a soft awkward laugh. More of a snigger.

“What?” Cory glances at him. He can feel his heart lift, because he looks over at Naveed and he has a small smile on his face. And it makes Cory feel warm. Seeing him happy.

“Nothin’.” Naveed replies, casting a glance his way that allows their eyes to briefly meet.

It makes Cory think of their kiss. When he looks in Naveed’s eyes. Because he remembers how brown they are, soft and rich like warm coffee and cocoa beans. He noticed that in the locker room. Pressed up close, foreheads touching, noses nudging. In fact, Cory almost blames the browns in Naveed’s eyes for drawing him into that kiss. It’s something about them. It makes Cory’s judgement falter. Makes his mind short circuit.

They turn to the path to climb the hilltop. It’s narrow and steep. And they stumble a bit, leaning against each other. Soft giggling. Touches. The air still and fresh around them. Like the world is on their side for a change.

Naveed pulls slightly on his arm. It makes him stumble a little, but not really because of the weight of it. It’s just that the touch sends a buzz around Cory’s body. It makes him briefly lose balance.

“You alright?”

Cory feels fine. He feels alive. It’s like nothing he’s felt before. Struggling up the hillside with Naveed falling into him. For all he feels, he could be standing atop the universe.

“I’m fine. Are _you_ alright?” He retorts, risking a side glance at Naveed. He has to bask in the smile on his face for a moment. Because not five minutes ago he was broken, shaking, small in his arms. And now he looks atop the universe too. And Cory knows if there were anyone he would take with him, to the top of the whole universe, it would be Naveed. Them together. He’d always choose Naveed.

Perhaps that should scare him. But it doesn’t now. Walking together. Alone. It’s all easy. Simple. It makes sense.

“Mate,” Naveed places a firm hand on his shoulder. It makes Cory feel like he is suddenly awake. “How bad were I, at the party?”

Cory thinks for a minute. He isn’t sure if he can describe Naveed like that. It was… wild. Crazy. Something he could never really imagine Naveed being. He lets his arm wrap around Naveed. So they’re holding each other. It’s nice like that. The closeness. The touching.

“Off the scale mate, off the scale.”

He drops his arm and Naveed does too. And it makes him feel empty. Sort of. He can’t explain it really. He can’t explain anything about Naveed.

Naveed laughs at the comment, strolls along the path “I always aim high.”

There’s a brief silence. It’s comfortable. Just being with Naveed is enough. It makes Cory feel wanted. Being around him.

“So, how’s about this gig then?” Cory asks him. He glances at him. He booked Naveed in for that show as soon as he heard about it. Because it’s _Naveed_ and he knows he can do it. And everyone watching will love it because this is Naveed. Creative, funny, brilliant Naveed. Cory knows he can do this.

But Naveed sighs, looks away from him. “Well I don’t feel very funny at the moment.”

“Could you be?” Cory asks hopefully, “By like, Saturday?”

Naveed glances at him, mild confusion written on his face.

“I may have gone ahead and booked it.”

“W-what? Why?!” Naveed exclaims.

Cory sort of doesn’t get why Naveed is so shocked. He’s good at this. The comedy. And this, it’s the perfect opportunity for him. What kind of friend would he be if he let him miss such a chance?

“It’s too good of an opportunity!”

Naveed lets out a laugh. Cory is only too glad to hear him do so. “Mate.” Dramatically (and fucking gracefully), he drops his school bag to the floor, “I am in the middle of an out-the-closet burnout!”

He’s yelling so loudly that Cory has to check no one is listening. And perhaps Naveed is still a little drunk. Maybe. It’s sort of hard to tell.

“I’ve been made homeless!” He shouts, down the hill. At everyone but no one. And when Cory watches him, he looks like Naveed is on top of the universe with him like before. And he is more than glad to be up there with him. “And he wants me to be funny, on Saturday!”

But Naveed is already funny. Right here. Right now. For him. And maybe Naveed Haider is perfect.

He glances over at Cory with a smile, laughing when he notes Cory is laughing too. It’s nice. When Naveed shares jokes with just him. Like they’re in their own world, together. Just them. It makes it feel like it means something. It fills Cory with something so indescribable. Something that makes him feel a warm buzz inside of him. Gently, he nudges Naveed’s arm.

Naveed stops abruptly on the path and looks around him. “’Ey, where are we going?”

“Back to mine I guess.” Cory answers. It’s not like Naveed can go home. And Cory is so fucking lonely in that house. When, with Naveed he could never feel alone.

“You sure?” Naveed asks, as though afraid of intruding.

“Yeah, place is empty.” Cory explains, “Jordan’s still in care and my dad’s,” He falls silent. The thought still makes his stomach feel queasy. He still thinks it were his fault,”Y’know.” He shrugs the feeling off of him, “Just me.” He finishes.

“Yeah?”

Cory looks at him. He looks so relaxed. He’s glad of that. He smiles at him, “Besides, bit of company might be nice.” He shrugs through the words, like he isn’t hugely bothered either way. But he is bothered. He is. He wants Naveed as company. Wants him there. To talk to him. To just be _there_. He’s not really sure. But he knows that the company wouldn’t just be nice. But he is desperate for it. The house is so silent that the hum of the fridge fills his ears when he’s in the kitchen, and the tv is loud even on the lowest volume. He hates it.

“Race you there.” Naveed tells him, alive suddenly. Dispelling the quiet atmosphere around them like a sigh. He speeds off.

Cory can’t help but smile. His chest feels so light around Naveed. Like he could be carrying the scariest, darkest thoughts but they aren’t anywhere near as terrifying if he is there. “C’mon man, you don’t even know where you’re going!” He calls, running after him.

It doesn’t take long to catch up with him. And they’re giggling as they leave the hilltop, stumbling their way up the road together, bumping into each other every few seconds as though dizzy and embarrassed. And Cory doesn’t mind it at all.

The house feels immediately brighter, and happier with Naveed walking in the door with him. It’s weird. How Naveed can change the whole house’s mood so quickly. Cory’s been miserable here for weeks. Just him. Alone here. Now it’s like Naveed has breathed life back into the place.

Cory orders them a pizza for tea. What with the need to ration the food he has and being unable to cook, and they share it in Cory’s bedroom before Naveed goes in the shower. It’s calm. Quiet. And yet the mere presence fills the place with so much life it makes Cory feel like this is finally a home again. Not just a house. He can’t remember the last time the place felt like this. So warm. So alive. Like he _wants_ to be here.

When Naveed is in the shower, he can still hear him humming through the walls. It puts him at ease. It’s like the sun is finally shining above the place, instead of a storm cloud.

Not long after he hears the shower turn off, Naveed peers into his bedroom, closing the door gently. Cory smiles softly at him, watches as he rubs the towel over his hair.

“Come sit down if you want.” He gestures to the empty side of the bed, by the pillows. He’d left the space so Naveed can sit there. Hopes he will.

“Nah, I’m good, I’m gonna...” He gestures vaguely to the door, trails off. He seems nervous, stumbling over his words like he stumbled through the crowds at the party.

“Come on man, just have a little chat and that.” Cory presses. Not forcefully. But he wants Naveed here. With him. Because he likes Naveed being beside him. He can’t really say that out loud. Perhaps it gives the wrong impression.

Naveed gives in and nods slowly. Cautiously he walks over to the bed. Cory watches him. He watches Naveed a lot. He’s suddenly aware of that. It’s just he’s not known anyone like him. Anyone so funny, and clever, and wonderful. He doesn’t look away as Naveed drops himself down onto the bed, shifting his legs, pressing his foot against the desk by the bed.

“Y’know I’ve never had a mate like you.” He finally draws himself away, looks down at his hand as it prods his foot.

Naveed lets out a small laugh. But Cory tries not to look over. “What, who tried to snog ya?”

Cory lets out a laugh too. Typical. It was just about the only moment where Cory had managed to keep that memory in the back of his mind. And now it’s there again. The way it felt. The way it made his heart feel funny. How it made his chest constrict.

“I mean, I were gonna say who makes me laugh but… yeah, that as well.” He keeps the situation light even though he feels suddenly like he can’t breathe. Because he’s thinking about the kiss again. And he’s thinking about wanting the kiss again. He watches Naveed chuckle. It makes him feel kind of giddy. Like his body is buzzing.

Naveed meets his eyes for a moment then looks away. “You being my friend.” He begins, hesitantly. “It means a lot to me.”

Cory swallows a lump in his throat. Naveed’s words make his heart feel like it’s swelling. Like it’s beating faster than usual, and he doesn’t understand why. It shouldn’t do that. Cory smiles at him.

“Me too.” He looks away. Because something about Naveed edges him in. Dangerously. His eyes, his lips, forming a small, nervous smile. It makes him want… something. Something that should be so far out of reach in his mind, but really it isn’t. Naveed is right here. So close he could almost feel his heartbeat. Yet really, he’s not that close at all.

“Y’know I’m sorry, about that.” Naveed sputters out eventually. He’s talking about the kiss again. Apparently, it never leaves Naveed’s mind either. “I went a bit too far, I shouldn’t have.” He sighs.

Cory has to glance at him, watches as the sigh escapes Naveed’s lips. _His lips_. Perhaps a part of him hasn’t stopped thinking about Naveed’s lips since they kissed. Perhaps right now, in the bedroom, with just Naveed, he’s not so scared to admit it. He watches him for a moment. Wonders whether he should tell him what he’s thinking. Studying his face. He’s so curious about him. About everything.

“You didn’t” He says softly, breaking the silence. Admitting it makes his heart beat feel fast and heavy, all, _baboombaboombaboombaboom_. He swallows. “It made me feel, like someone cared. Like someone, really cared.” The words are true. So honest. He’s never admitted something like that before. But it’s so _true_. He hasn’t even really admitted to himself. But that kiss, so real, and slow, and full of thought. Full of meaning. Care. Thinking about makes his stomach swirl. He’s never felt more wanted than during that kiss. Until he realised what it meant and abruptly pulled away.

He hears Naveed snigger. Looks over at him slowly. _Great. So his feelings are a joke, apparently._

“Are you laughing?” He deadpans. Naveed’s covering his face with the towel around his neck. He can see him shaking his head, no. But he’s laughing _more_. “Why are you laughin’?”

Naveed drops the towel, laughs properly, throwing his head back. He’s not really mad. Naveed laughing means everything to him, he realises that. He had been so broken, earlier, in the alleyway by the party. And now he’s okay, crinkles evident by his eyes when he laughs.

“Nav man come on. I’ve just sat here, and poured my heart out to you, and you’re throwing it back in my face.”

Naveed shakes his head through laughter, goes to stand, “I’m going to bed.”

“No you’re not! No, you’re apologising.” He stands up to follow him, to grab him back. Perhaps he just doesn’t want Naveed to leave, wants him to be here, with him. For company. “Apologise, now.”

“For what?” Naveed asks. He stares at him, mouth agape. Brown eyes wide and bright and exuberant.

“For that you-“ He tugs the towel from around Naveed’s neck, can’t take the way he hides behind it, the way Naveed’s fingers dance on it. Teasing him. There is but a brief pause after he removes it. And it makes Cory momentarily think of removing Naveed’s shirt too, and- “That was a moment, then.”

Naveed laughs again. Shakes his head. “No, I’m going to bed.” He goes to walk away. Cory can’t. He can’t let him.

“No you’re not!”

He tackles Naveed down onto the bed, pressing him into the mattress. They're caught between protest and laughter, Naveed struggling and giggling below him, pulling and pushing at his arms all at once.

"Come on, you little ice skating boy." Cory teases, rolling Naveed onto his back, grabbing at his arms, hands.

His thoughts become lost in a kerfuffle of giggles and words and skin and Naveed's breath on his cheek. He just presses him further. Out of breath from laughing, leaning down on him. His arm is under Naveed’s head. They’re foreheads collide.

He looks down at him. He's _so close_ all of a sudden. Smiling. It's his eyes again: glimmering, warm browns edging him in. Pulling him. And then there's his lips. It's like before; on the field, in the locker room. They just- they look kissable. Perfectly so. It shouldn't really be that way, Cory's aware of this. But it feels right. It feels natural.

He could tell himself he never meant for things to end up like this. But if he didn't then why is there a list in his mind of all the things he wants to do with Naveed while he's lying, tangled underneath him. And when he kisses him it feels like coming home. It feels like all that he wants from Naveed makes _sense._ Like his mind is thinking  _at last. At last you have him just where you want him._  And that little list in his head just plays out before him. And it's perfect and it feels right. Fuck, it feels  _good_. Amazing. There isn't an adjective to really describe it. And everything is on fire, skin alight every place that Naveed touches him. It's all burning, burning, burning, through everything he's ever known. And it's explosive. Each little noise that escapes Naveed's mouth, each sigh, each moan, it leaves Cory feeling like he is higher than Cloud 9. It's like nothing he's even thought of before. It's like a rebellious little heaven. Light and high and sort of mystical. Unreal. And he lets the internal flames engulf his thoughts. He lets it all happen. He lets the list find centre stage in his mind. He lets it take over.

 

Theoretically it should have taken Cory hours to fall asleep that night. Upon reflection, Cory should have felt guilty, or wrong, but he doesn’t. There’s a small smile on Naveed’s face as he falls asleep. To the left of him, Cory watches. Naveed is slightly sweaty, his hair, which was freshly washed, is messy and pressed up from his forehead where Cory’s hands had run through it. But it isn’t scary, knowing he’s the reason Nav looks like that.

He moves closer to him. Because being close to Naveed makes him feel untouchable. Alive. Special. So empty of touches and intimacy, that just burying his face into Naveed’s neck is something. Warm. Safe. He’s too tired to think about anything. But he knows he feels happy. Content. And he knows he wants Naveed here. Next to him, post sex. It’s all so new but it doesn’t feel like it. Right now, it just feels like peace. And completion. And like his world has steadied and he’s unafraid of everything.

 

When he wakes Naveed isn’t next to him. And his face isn’t pressed into his neck. But something presses against his feet at the bottom of the bed. He peeks an eye open, spots Naveed looking out the window.

He's never really felt like this before. Like sex meant something more than sex. Like he wants to lie here all morning, watching Naveed look out the bedroom window. Like he wants to do it all over again and forget about the rest of the world.

Naveed looks down at him, as he stirs and sits up. He gives him a small smile. It’s so gentle, soft. Cory feels like he needn’t worry about a thing, when Naveed looks at him like that. It just seems to balance the whole world. So Cory smiles back, looks down at the bedsheets between them and bites his lip. His heart feels full. Not heavy just, whole. It’s difficult to understand, even for Cory himself.

 

They take turns in the shower. Cory lets Naveed go in first. And through the walls he can hear him singing. It seems to lighten the whole house. So dark and lonely has it been lately, that Naveed’s presence seems to fill it all. He’s the brightness and laughter Cory needs in his life. He’s happy he’s here.

Cory’s been rationing the food in the house since his dad has been in hospital. So he restricts he and Naveed’s breakfast to sandwiches at most. Making the sandwiches is filled with giggles, playful fights over the butter knife, soft nudges in the ribs.

They’re running a little late for school. So Cory insists they take his bike, Naveed perches on the back, clutching his shoulders. It feels right with Naveed with him. Everything feels so clear and true and perfect. And the sun is shining and it’s warm and Cory truly feels it for the first time in so long. Like Naveed makes him happy and awake and _okay_.

 

By the time he gets to school, and is face to face with Riz and the guys, all of those thoughts are terrifying. It's like he suddenly doesn't know who he is. Or what he's doing. Like he’s a different person around these people, and not the person he was last night. And when he thinks about it, being with Naveed, touching him, kissing him, the memory of it is like watching someone else. And he feels bubbles of nerves in his stomach, in his chest, wavering through his mind.

“Where’d you go, after the party?” Riz asks suggestively, leaning against the lockers beside him.

“Home.” Cory replies, bluntly.

“But you left a bit early, didn’t ya?” He’s raising his eyebrows.

Cory can feel his stomach sink, “Had to take Naveed back home didn’t I?”

“Right.” Riz says, glancing away for a moment, “But mate you were, you were practically _glowing_ when you came in this morning. Ya saying you didn’t bring anyone back with you?”

Cory swallows. Tries to push away the wave of guilt as he prepares to lie through his teeth. Was he really glowing, coming into school? And has Riz really not put two and two together since he came into school _with_ Naveed?

“No.” He replies, giving Riz a _shut-up man_ kind of look. “Nothing happened.” He slams his locker and walks away from him.

He can’t be that person that he was last night. That’s not the person he is used to being. Soft, and gentle and intimate. It’s not the Cory Wilson the school knows. It’s not the Cory Wilson _he_ knows. It’s scary. Really. All that he’s feeling. That it all made sense last night and now it makes no sense at all. And it’s hard to smile at Naveed when they make eye contact before class.

In science he sits at the end of the table, Riz beside him. And he can’t bear to look over when Naveed walks in and sits beside Nasreen. He can’t bear to look because he probably looks hurt. And upset. And he can’t take that.

 

Shannon flirts with him in English class. She’s been trying for ages, but Cory’s never cared enough to respond lately. But he _should_. Because that’s what Cory Wilson would do. So, for once he plays into her words. Into the way she twirls her hair and smiles suggestively. And one comment leads to another until he’s inviting her to his after school. He can barely look at Naveed for the rest of the school day.

After school, with Shannon, it feels like he’s Cory Wilson again. Like he’s slipped back into himself and he feels okay. Kind of. There’s still something in the back of his mind, pestering him, when he kisses her, when he lies on top of her on his bed like he had with Naveed barely 24 hours ago. It’s distracting. Thinking of Naveed every little moment he spends with Shannon.

He knows it feels right with Shannon. He knows he likes it. And it feels good. Like it always does. And maybe it was because he was still a little tipsy, with Naveed, that made it all feel so perfect that night, but he knows it cannot be true. Because he’s been drunk a bunch of other times too, but none of those times come _close_ to being with Naveed. Not really. It’s just the completion he could feel in his heart after. The feeling of wholeness. Just lying there, beside him. Like he could lie there forever and never feel bored. He wishes he didn’t have to face school today. Then he’d still be with Naveed now, lying about in bed, with soft kisses and touches he never knew he wanted until now. Until he’s here, with a random girl instead.

Until now, with Shannon smiling over at him, dragging him from his thoughts. He forces a grin in return. But he can’t look her in the eyes. He feels out of breath but is unsure if it’s from the sex or his thoughts, whirling about his mind like a tornado. Destructive. It’s tearing down everything he thought he knew.

He’s glad when the doorbell rings. He shrugs on a vest and some trousers, pads down the stairs to the door. Naveed. He can feel his heart stop. Can feel his chest constrict. Naveed breathes out his name like a sigh and lets himself in, dragging a suitcase behind him.

Cory is probably the worst friend in existence right now.

“I’ve done it bro.” He says. There’s a grin on his face. Cory’s heart is sinking like it’s tied to 50 rocks. “I’ve left. I’ve told them about us.”

Cory swallows. He doesn’t know what to do. If there is any time for one to be described as a deer caught in headlights. It is right now. He’s the deer. Naveed is the headlights. He feels sick. And he hates the way Naveed uses the word ‘us’. Isn’t sure what it’s even supposed to mean anymore. “That’s… great.”

He doesn’t have to hear the feet on the stairs to know that Naveed sees them. But he hears them anyway. Why couldn’t she have stayed upstairs for even one more minute to give him a chance to explain _something_? But instead he’s watching Naveed’s face fall. There isn’t a single phrase at all in the English language to describe the look on Naveed’s face. It’s horrible. Cory can literally see his friend’s heart break right there. Onto his carpet.

“What’s happening babe?”

Arms slip around his waist. Shannon’s. He doesn’t even look at her. He wants to push her away, but he is still frozen under Naveed’s sorrowful, broken, eyes. He couldn’t even answer Shannon if he wanted to. He has no idea why Naveed is even really here, with a suitcase. So what he was just gonna move into his house? Maybe that could have worked out. If he knew what the fuck was going on in his head and if Shannon wasn’t here, pressing into his side like she owns him or something.

“Oh.”

It’s the most painful thing Cory has ever heard, and he can’t take it. He’s possibly the worst human in the universe right now.

Naveed scrabbles with his bag, and his suitcase. Hurries past him out the room. As he pushes past Cory’s body he mutters a sorry under his breath and Cory feels like screaming. Because he’s the one who should be saying sorry and he can’t take it. He follows him to the door. Like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what. He’s still half frozen. And the other half of him is terrified. This feeling- the one that makes him feel like someone is pressing down heavily on his gut with a thick, studded boot on- it’s unbearable. And it’s something he’s never ever felt before.

Naveed disappears out the door, down the drive and down the road. Cory barely has the strength to watch him, but he does that much.

He feels like he’s drowning. In hurt, and fear, and guilt and regret. There’s a sense of loss in there too. And it’s consuming him. Making his chest heavy and his throat closed up. He closes his eyes tight to try and force it all away. To escape the feelings and catch his breath. He’s gripping the door frame so tightly. He still feels like he’s sinking, sinking, sinking, in the oceans of feelings he’s found himself overcome by. He feels choked. Like he’s being held under water.

“What did he want?”

Cory swallows. Wipes his eyes to wake himself from the thoughts, like he’d done when he kissed Naveed in the locker room. He swallows deeply, turns around and plasters on his best smile.

“Nothing, don’t worry.”

She frowns disbelievingly, leaning against the wall by the lounge door. “He looked upset.” She comments, “Seeing me.”

“It’s nothin’, alright?” Cory insists. He closes the front door and presses his back against it. It’s cold and it helps him awaken from his thoughts.

“You’re not going to go after him?”

“Look, leave it.” He’s trying to keep his voice calm. But it’s so difficult when his heart is pounding loud enough for him to feel the blood sloshing in his ears.

“Alright.” She shrugs. “We going back up?” She asks hopefully, suggestively.

“No.” He snaps back with a half cruel laugh, “What more do you want? To lay there for hours on end smiling at each other.”

And that comment in itself should be enough to make him realise a few things. Because that is _exactly_ what he had done the night before. With Naveed. But that’s because Naveed’s company is perfect company. And he can never get bored of him. His friend. Best friend. Best friend who maybe isn’t much of a best friend anymore because Cory had to go and ruin it.

“Oh.” She forces a smile, “Right. I’ll just um, get my stuff then.” She mumbles, hurries up the stairs.

Cory just watches her. His heart feels so heavy. _So_ heavy. And there’s such a tightness in his throat. And chest. And it is so, so hard, not to cry.

 

He’s nervous, about going to school the next day. He’s tempted to skive, too, but he knows his family is in enough trouble; Jordan in care, his dad in hospital. To add to all that, well, it wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be fair. So he forces himself into school, smiling as he meets up with the lads. And Naveed’s not there, with them, and perhaps he feels that, in his chest; a sharp pang of guilt and a strange sense of sadness that leaves him confused.

Because it’s not like being alone at home without Jordan, or seeing his dad fall off the roof. And it’s not like when Alya humiliated him and it’s not like when mum left. All of those things left him cold and aching and alone, but this feels different in its own way. It’s impossible to understand.

It’s just that he could talk to Naveed about anything. He could be himself around him. And now he doesn’t know who _himself_ even is. And he’s lost the person he can talk to. He’s lost that safety valve. That common ground. It’s put his world even more off kilter and now it’s just spinning about him. He feels directionless without Naveed. Lost. Everything is changing around him, and he’s made it so much worse. Naveed won’t even _look_ at him. He may as well stab him in the chest. Or something. It could hurt less.

After school he sees him. With Nasreen on the benches round the side of the school. And he just stares in his direction. Cory can feel his heart beat. He swallows. _Fuck,_ even his fingers tingle. He says goodbye to the guys- Dan, and Jake. Then he walks across the school. It feels as if his heart is in his throat. He passes Nasreen, who gives him simply a glare as she passes. For a moment he wonders exactly what she knows. But then he looks away from her, and at Naveed and Nasreen doesn’t matter right now.

He sits down on the bench beside his friend. Looks at him. He’s nervous. He doesn’t want to be. He doesn’t want this situation at all but it’s all his fault, really. He really had to break Naveed’s heart. Walk all over it. He didn’t even _mean_ to.

“You don’t need to explain yourself.” Naveed tells him.

Cory doesn’t even know where to start. His mind is chaotic. It’s loud up there. Messy. Really, he’s no clue what he’s doing. With anything at the moment. Right now he couldn’t name a single thing he’d learnt in classes today. “I wouldn’t even know how to.” He admits. And it’s the truth. With Naveed. With Shannon. He can’t explain either incident. “One thing just led to another and-“ He doesn’t even know which incident he’s talking about now.

“Naveed, what happened the other night…”

“Don’t.”

That hurts. Naveed shutting him down. It’s hard for him. Hard to be honest. And maybe he deserves the comments, but Naveed _deserves_ an explanation. Deserves something. Even though he isn’t sure how to word what he’s feeling because he has no clue what it is. It’s unexplainable. Everything.

“You’re my mate. And this… is stopping us being friends.” Although, maybe Naveed doesn’t even want that now. Maybe that’s what _us_ meant to him. More than friends.

“Then why did you do it? You know how I felt. Don’t say you didn’t.”

So maybe it’s sort of true. When he thinks about it. A part of him _knew_ Naveed liked him. But maybe that’s _why_ he did it. Because he _meant_ something to Naveed. And maybe that’s why he wanted to lie with Naveed forever that morning. Because he felt special. He felt wanted. Wanted for more than just the sex. Wanted for _him_. He’s never known anyone to make him feel like that before. And it, it makes Naveed so special to him, too. So maybe that’s why. But it’s all too confusing to sort into words out loud.

“You’re my best friend.” He says instead. “You’re not like the others, I can talk to you.” Because he wouldn’t say this to anyone else. He wouldn’t admit anything _like_ this. But it’s Naveed and Naveed makes everything easy. Naveed makes his walls crumble like they’re made merely of sand. “And the other night… you were upset…” It was horrible. Naveed crying into his arms after the party. He wanted to make him happy. And he wanted to make himself happy because Naveed being hurt, hurt him too.

“So now it were charity?” Naveed scoffs.

And shit no he didn’t mean it like that. Maybe it never even had anything to do with him being upset at all. Perhaps that’s an excuse. A stupid one. But it’s an excuse because he doesn’t have an answer. He doesn’t have a reason. Not one that makes sense. Not one he understands. He doesn’t know _why_ he wanted to be with Naveed. Maybe he’ll never understand it and they can just forget it ever happened. Because things were simple before.

“No-“

“I don’t need your pity, Cory.”

“It wasn’t-“

Not that he knows what it _really_ was. And that’s the problem. He doesn’t understand and it’s scaring him, now.

Naveed gets up, “Who are you kidding?”

He can’t let Naveed walk away. He doesn’t want to leave it like this. Because he’s lost so many people lately and if Naveed thinks he’s just going to let him leave him too…

“Naveed, this ain’t just about you!” He says. And there it is. The bottom line. The truth. It’s about him too. Because he wanted it and nothing about that makes sense to him. “Okay?” He swallows, “How do you think I felt?” It’s a good question. Because he himself cannot even begin to answer it.

“I thought I knew.”

There’s bitterness in the tone. Cory can feel his heart pinch. “Yeah I wanted to be with you that night.” He admits. It’s scary to admit it. But he knows it’s true. He wanted all of those things with Naveed. The kisses, the touches, the heavy breaths, the giggles, the falling asleep against his body. He wanted it all. “I don’t know why. I just did, it felt right.” It felt natural.

Naveed tries to leave. Cory grabs his shoulder, turns him back around, “I’m trying to be honest with ya.” He tells him. Doesn’t Naveed understand how hard this is for him?

There’s a silence. Naveed doesn’t leave. He looks around at the school and all the children playing. His friends still talking the other side of the school. Him here, being someone they’d never understand. Someone he _himself_ can never understand. Someone he can never be.

“It didn’t mean, the same to me as it did to you.” His chest is heavy when he says it. Like when he lies to his dad about Candice, or where he was the night before. Only worse. Because he doesn’t _want_ to lie to Naveed. But everything he says just feels like one. “I wish I could be what you want me to be, but I can’t.”

“Who’s lying to himself, now?”

Perhaps Naveed is right. No, he _is_ right. He is lying, to himself. And he can’t argue with him. He nods. Slowly.

“Fine. You know what? I’m not gay, and you’re not straight so, let’s both just get over it.”

Although maybe it would be hard for _both_ to get over it. And he’s never going to get that night out of his mind every time he looks at him. Like when they first kissed. Only so much worse. Because he pulled away from that kiss. But he didn’t consider hesitating that night. Like he wanted it too?

Naveed looks at him. Cory’s still hurting him. This hasn’t helped a thing. He nods slowly. Silently, he turns and walks away. Cory watches him for a moment. And he knows there are other things he should have said instead. But he can’t word it right. He turns around and collects his bag from the bench. He feels like there’s a cloud of fog gliding through his mind.

 

There’s a day or so of a strange limbo. Where Cory isn’t sure where he and Naveed’s friendship is at. Because they sit together at lunch, with the others. And they talk around them. But it’s strange. Cory wonders if the others noticed. But if they have, they haven’t mentioned it.

And then it’s Saturday. And Naveed has that gig. And he has to watch him. He has to. He leaves it a little late. Lying on his bed all through the day. Thinking about all that he’s messed up. Thinking about how when Naveed was here, the house wasn’t dark, even when the sun had set, and the light was off. And when Naveed was here he wasn’t alone, even when Naveed was in the shower and he was in his room, he could feel his presence through the walls and it made him feel alive. And when Naveed was here, the house wasn’t cold, even with the duvet tossed to the side and they had both caught their breaths back. But now Naveed isn’t here. And the house is dark and lonely and cold. It’s like he has no choice but to go to the show. He hates being apart from him. He has to be there.

Even if Naveed hates him.

 

He stops on the way to the gig. Outside Naveed’s house. For a while he hesitates, just stands on the doorstep peering in the front door window. Then he knocks.

Naveed’s father answers. He stares at him.

“Yes?”

He swallows. “Hi. I’m, Cory, Naveed’s friend, um.”

“What is it? Is he okay? Is he staying with you?”

“No I…” He scratches the back of his head. Swallows again. “He has a show tonight. A big one. And I think you should be there. If you leave now, we could just make it.”

Naveed’s mother walks down the hall. “What’s this?”

“Naveed’s-“

“Yes I heard.” His mother cuts him off, “Who are you?” She looks him up and down. Cory feels small under her gaze. “His boyfriend?”

The way she sneers the word. Cory flushes. Gulps. “No. No I-“ He shakes his head. Forces a laugh like the implication is ridiculous. When really, at this point, after everything, it’s an understandable assumption. Really. “Just a friend. Who knows he wants his parents there.”

He looks at them both hopefully. Naveed’s father nods.

 

When they arrive, Naveed is already on stage. The spotlight is on him. And he’s _glowing_. Radiating under the white glare. He pushes a little through the crowd, so he can get a better view. He booked this for him after all. He wants a good view of the performance.

“Take my best friend.” Are the first words Cory tunes into.

The rooms feels hot suddenly. All the people that make the room stuffy. His stomach somersaults. Which, frankly, is ridiculous. He drops his gaze to the floor. Because he’s sure all their mates are staring at him. His heart is beating all fast again- _baboombaboombaboombaboom_.

Naveed’s jokes are good. And funny and they crack the crowd up. Which is good. And he’s proud. But he can barely manage to listen to what Naveed is saying because his blood is pumping so loudly in his ears. It’s awkward. It feels like all eyes are on him.

“Though even though I’ve moved on a step, changed, he’s still stayed the same for me. He still has me back, still texts me rubbish advice and bad jokes. Still trying to convince me that rugby is an interesting sport.”

It’s true and it makes Cory feel nervous. Because yeah, he’d defend Naveed through anything, yeah, he’d text him shit all the time just to make sure Naveed’s not mad at him anymore. Just because he misses him. And yeah, he talks about rugby but, there’s only so many things he can talk to with Naveed now, without saying things that could lead to… things.

“But you know, I know, no matter what happens, there will always be him. And I love him for that.”

The words leave Cory feeling something so unexplainable. He feels warm; and wanted. Naveed _loves_ him. _Loves_. No one really tells him that. No one makes him feel special like that. Naveed always seems to make him feel like that. So much. And he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

He’s nervous but he forces himself backstage with the others after he’s performed. And they all hug him in turn. All happy, and proud. So Cory hugs him too. And maybe it lingers longer. Maybe he’s slow to move his hand from Naveed’s waist. And when their eyes meet, Cory wants nothing but for the world to evaporate around them, so it’s just the two of them, alone, and they don’t have to look away.

But they do look away. Eventually. And it feels like they’re dancing around so many things. So much left in a limbo. Unexplained.

And neither dare to touch on it.

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe this was a little longer than expect and maybe some made me cry but I hope you enjoyed this (whether that's the right word is debatable sjsjdj)
> 
> Comments and kudos are v appreciated


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